American Airlines’ Gate Lice Plan Won’t Solve the Problem

Will a judgment call or a condemnation call change two decades of parasitic herd mentality? There is always hope. But I have more pressing questions for American Airlines: Why didn’t you start shaming these criminals years ago? Why are you testing the technology at only three airports? Will the emergency lights flash? Could you please Please build a prison at the airport to punish queue cutters?

American received a lot of press and praise for testing its anti-lice technology, but what was not mentioned was that the airline was also to blame for the phenomenon. No one has also pointed out that American’s plan does not address the root causes of lice.

In 2008, American became the first major U.S. airline to charge a fee for checked bags. Costs started at $15 per bag, with additional charges for bags over 50 pounds. Other airlines quickly followed suit. In hindsight, $15 per checked bag was a bargain. American now charges $35 per bag when booking in advance online and $40 at the airport. JetBlue charges more than $50 per bag, depending on when you fly and how far in advance you book your luggage.

According to a report published this week CarTrawler And Idea Works companyChecked baggage fees and other non-ticket fees such as seat selection, meals and priority boarding will generate $148.4 billion in revenue for airlines worldwide in 2024. The new US levy has created a huge source of revenue for airlines.

Turn on the ominous music and enter the lice.

When the checked baggage fees arrived at the airport, so did the lice at the gate. Some lice crowd the gate because they can’t wait to board first, but the other 99 percent of the people crowding the gate and cutting lines are trying to avoid checked baggage fees. They want to board the plane before the overhead bins fill up and the scary “We need people to check their carry-on” announcements begin.

The snowball is growing quickly. Once a few lice start to gather, others get restless and join them, and soon you have a full infestation. American Airlines created a problem and now thinks it can solve it. But there are a few downsides to something as simple as a beep that deters people from cutting the line. If someone is bold enough to cut themselves, a warning sound won’t stop them. These scoundrels believe that basic social rules do not apply to them. They want punishment that fits the crime. Make ’em get on board after everyone else is on the plane. Plant them near toilets. Start building an airport prison to house people who talk on speakerphones and passengers who don’t use headphones to watch videos.

Several domestic and international airlines have been using America’s “new technology” (quotes added to indicate sarcasm) for many years. Gate staff scan the pass, see if a passenger is trying to board early, and then tell them to move aside if they jump the line. This process hasn’t stopped the bad guys from trying to get ahead and squeeze their carry-on luggage (probably larger than it should be) into overhead at any cost possible.

Perhaps the biggest flaw in the American plan is that it only targets line cutters. Most head lice cannot cut lines. They’re just honest people trying to save money, crowding around the gate like a flock of worried sheep with pillows around their necks. Passengers and their carry-on luggage will continue to clog the boarding area and slow down the process. If I had a nickel for every time I asked the lice if they were in line (the answer was always “no”) because they were blocking access when calling my group, I’d have enough change to buy a bottle of duty. -free perfume and possibly an overpriced Diet Coke from Hudson News.

Luckily, I have suggestions for American Airlines on how to solve their gate lice situation once and for all.

The most logical solution would be to eliminate the checked baggage fee. Because I know the probability of this happening is the same as “The Garfield Movie” Having won the Oscar for Best Picture, I’ll throw out a few others.

I have repeatedly suggested that airlines make checked luggage free and charge for carry-on luggage. This way there will be less carry-on baggage slowing down boarding and fewer lice at the gate. The worry of boarding will be eliminated as there will be plenty of space in the luggage rack.

So far, no airline has contacted me to clarify details.

Changing the way people board planes would also be helpful. First, allow people on board who do not have carry-on luggage. Then begin the general landing from the rear of the aircraft forward. Or start boarding with window seats, then middle seats, and then aisle seats. This is common sense.

Or—I have ideas—start a system where passengers must attach a color-coded tag to their carry-on luggage that corresponds to their boarding group. Gate agents scan your carry-on luggage along with your boarding pass. Inside the aircraft, the overhead containers will be reserved according to the color of the tag. In this case, the cutters will have no advantage.

Finally, airports and airlines must ensure that all passengers can clearly hear boarding announcements or that sufficient visual indicators tell people when to board. Some lice crowd the gates because they can’t hear the announced zones and don’t want to let their group through.

Until any of this happens, the lice will continue their current behavior. A hum or beep is not enough. Airlines please feel free to use any of my ideas for free. My reward will come later, when I no longer have to wade through lice to get on the plane.

---

Christopher Muter can be reached at [email protected]. Follow him @Chris_Muther and Instagram @chris_muter.