4 stages of almost all emotional problems and how to understand that you are in too deep | David and Cindy Taylor

The changing face of technology is offering people new and unique opportunities to have affairs—whether they are based on emotional or physical infidelity. The good news is that you can leave before things go too far, and knowing the four stages of an emotional relationship can help.

While every case seems unique and has special circumstances, there are a few trends that can help you navigate your way back to integrity.

Here are the 4 stages of almost all emotional problems and how to get out of one:

1. Your primary relationship becomes vulnerable.

At this stage, either the person or the marriage is subject to subtle temptations to go astray.

Book, Hedges: Love your marriage enough to protect it., emphasizes the need to create boundaries around yourself and your marriage to protect yourself from areas where temptation can sneak in and take over.

At this stage, the couple behaves in ways that extinguish the flame of their love or weaken their bond.

Gottman Institute show how resentment often builds up in this first stage but is not acknowledged or resolved. In addition, both spouses stopped performing actions that rekindle the fire and fan the flames of love. They may still think, “It will never happen to them,” and they probably both still love their children and have plans for the future, but their marriage is vulnerable if the other person gets together with one of the spouses and starts dating some of their basic principles. human needs.

Marriage at this stage can prevent a potential affair or an emotional affair that has just begun by learning more about how to build a strong marriage, learning about common ways another person can lure a vulnerable person, and learning how to rekindle your “flame.” and turn your love into hell.

She approaches him with concern, he looks down in shame. MDV Edwards via Shutterstock

2. A dirty little secret is kept.

The unfaithful spouse has met another person and feels a “spark.” They often meet at work or on social networks. Some maybe even go online and look for it type of attention.

It usually starts out harmless, and they may indeed be “just friends,” so it’s common to hear an unfaithful spouse say to their faithful spouse, “You’re crazy. We’re just friends.”

First, the other person begins to satisfy some basic human needs and adds a few elements that create intimacy between them.

Soon one will say to the other, “I enjoy your company,” and a feeling of interest and desirability will be met—and the unfaithful spouse will like to think that someone finds him wonderful!

Contrast this sharply with the faithful spouse who, unaware that anything is going on, continues to behave in ways that create distance, continues to promote resentment, and angrily withholds the kinds of affection and connection-building activities that the “other person” uses to strengthening the bond with an unfaithful spouse.

The unfaithful spouse experiences the same rush of serotonin pleasure as taking drugs, to which the feeling of falling in love (or dating) is compared, because supported by research led by Tobias Esch, Charité – University Medicine Berlin.

The other person and the cheating spouse may know that what they are doing is wrong or against company policy, so they become sneaky. The adrenaline of a forbidden date, a secret cell phone and a personal love diary are intoxicating, and the romance grows stronger and stronger.

3. The Truth Revealed

Or through intuitionWhether by spying or by accident, the faithful spouse reveals the truth, and the affair is no longer a secret.

The faithful spouse is devastated and can barely function, and then usually does things that could be said to be contrary to his character. The wife, who is usually the most peaceful person, will slap her husband; a husband who usually avoids confrontation shows up at another person’s house to fight.

This is a normal reaction.

At the same time, the unfaithful spouse tends to become defensive, evasive, and upset that the secret is out. During this stage, the unfaithful spouse often acts out of his or her attachment to the affair. suggested in a study by Varach B. and Josephs L., and will make decisions that seem to lack common sense or ignore the enormous damage they cause throughout life.

This stage is decisive in deciding whether the marriage will be restored or the couple will divorce.

He looks unsure and she touches his shoulder from behind. PeopleImages.com – Yuri A via Shutterstock

4. The affair ends and you move on.

All things come to an end.

Some end with spouses getting divorced, fighting like cats and dogs, losing all their property, creating hatred and hostility in their families, and trying to marry their affair partners.

The statistics don’t lie: Less than ten percent of unfaithful spouses marry their affair partner, and most of these marriages end in divorce. So marrying another person is not only unlikely, it is almost always unsuccessful!

In his book, the researcher Holly Hayne explains that 80% of those who get divorced during an affair regret their decision. Therefore, if the unfaithful spouse decides to leave the marriage, the affair will indeed end; he usually crashes and burns when the fantasy comes into the light and simply cannot withstand reality.

When a case is left to its own devices, where the case is never solved or solved, most cases end in about two years. This is just a natural progression of events and the usual way things end.

Another way to end the affair is for the loyal spouse to follow two steps to encourage the disloyal spouse to cut off all contact and end the affair. Once the affair is ended, the unfaithful spouse will experience a feeling of withdrawal, losing the positive serotonin/pleasure from the affair.

If a couple decides in his heart to work on itthey can overcome it, but they need to work together to get back their “spark”, their intimacy and their connection.

Yes, you need to fall in love with your spouse again. And yes, it’s possible. All those little sparks can come back. By working with each other, they can learn to stop being the cause of their spouse’s pain and learn to restore and renew the love in their marriage.

We hope this list and the ideas we share about the stages of emotional relationships will help you identify vulnerabilities in your relationship now, before an emotional (or physical) affair begins.

Remember that these steps are not hard and fast rules.

Like any guide, they provide a broad outline of how a relationship begins, but knowing these stages can help you see yourself (or your partner) and the reality of your situation so you can intervene before the affair comes to a painful end.

Remember that you are in control of your behavior, and if you are still in the first stage of your romance, you can work together to become less vulnerable.

Hang in there!

David and Cindy Taylor are life, marriage, and relationship coaches who help people end affairs and rebuild more loving, happy marriages.