A guy’s workaholism creates tension in relationships

He works from home most of the time and has many Zoom calls a day. He says the job turned out better than he could have imagined. But during this time we did not go on vacation together. When I ask him about traveling together, he always says that I should go because he is too busy and to stop fighting.

We’ve had dinner with mutual friends less than 10 times. He seems to be a workaholic. He likes to watch movies with me and sometimes have dinner together. I’m flattered that he wants to spend time with me, but I’m sad that we don’t have a common community. I feel bored and uninspired.

He doesn’t say anything about his financial situation. He is very secretive. When his parents are in town, he has dinner with them at 5:00 pm six nights a week for a couple of months. I think this is excessive.

I don’t know if we should break up or stay together.

NOT SURE TO BE ALONE AGAIN

A. Not to be too explicit, but I don’t understand what you’re getting out of this relationship. Part of the reason for the move was financial, but he is inconsistent and unhappy with his mortgage payments. He devotes a lot of time to his parents and work, but there is no time to build a relationship with you.

There is a difference between a workaholic and a person who is not ready to be an equal partner in a relationship. He seems to be the last one, and if he is not interested in learning how to come to you, you will have to show up yourself and show him the door.

You write that you are flattered when he spends time with you. But spending time with you isn’t doing you a favor, it’s something he has to want to do and be proactive about it. You deserve it.

TO. Over the past 30 years I have been very generous to a sibling who was never in very good financial shape.

I felt a certain disdain on the part of her and her family for my generosity. Half the time I get gratitude or recognition. She has a very short temper and regularly grills me about things that happened 20 or 30 years ago, making snarky comments about my stupid little things that make her angry.

After years of letting it go, I am very angry at her ingratitude and her attitude towards me. I always felt sorry for her and wanted to make her life better, but perhaps by doing so I made her feel bad.

We haven’t talked for almost a year. I realize that the only thing I can control is my own behavior, so I have drastically reduced the amount of money I give her.

But I hate being angry and resentful towards her and I would like to find a way to move forward and let go of all these negative emotions. I don’t even know if she understands that I’m upset.

FAMILY FINANCING

A. Money talks, but it mumbles a lot, so we need to be especially clear in our communications around it. Cutting back on generosity is fine, but it won’t address the root of the problem and will likely be misinterpreted.

It will be very helpful if you can both have a conversation that focuses on how you feel about each other and your relationship. You need a place to work through your resentment, and she probably does too.

Before you approach her, think about what you really want. It could just be gratitude. But I suspect it’s much more complicated than that. Is there a part of you that is hurt by her reactions to you or her sarcastic comments? Is there disappointment that the money you gave did not stop the pain? Ask yourself what will make you feel valued in this relationship.

You write that she may not even know that you are upset; this is painful to read because it suggests that she doesn’t show you the same thoughts and care that you show her.

Get to the bottom of your feelings and figure out what your responsibility is to sort them out alone and what you can bring to the table with her.

R. Eric Thomas can be reached at: [email protected].