How to deal with disappointment

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“If (candidate X, who I hate) wins this election“I will leave the country” is a sentiment we heard from several politically outspoken celebrities during the recent presidential election. However, they never seem to deliver on their promises. That’s because it’s probably not really a promise, but rather a defense against the emotion that people really hate: disappointment. They reassure themselves with a strategy to neutralize the expected feelings of powerlessness and disappointment if a terrible event occurs.

So if your preferred candidate lost on Tuesday night, you may be feeling those terrible emotions. Some people are so severely affected by this condition that they may be diagnosed with a condition commonly known aspost-election stress disorder“

Even if this all seems exaggerated, you are probably wary of some source of disappointment in your life. Perhaps this concerns your career, education or romantic relationships. If so, then most likely you are acting in such a way to protect yourself from this deep and painful emotion; some research found that frustration may be associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. However, understanding this phenomenon can help reduce fear of your own emotions and help you make decisions that lead to better results. It might even help you avoid making a stupid public promise to leave America.

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Athese are two scientists described This recently in Annual Review of AnthropologyDisappointment is “a messy, frictional, and unsatisfactory gap between the experience we have had and the expectations that have not been met.” This feeling is similar to regret because it relates to a past event that did not turn out the way you hoped. But whereas regret presupposes desire You if you had done something differently, the disappointment does not necessarily concern your decision-making body. Because of this difference, psychologists writing in the journal Cognition and emotion find that regret more often leads to self-blame, in contrast to the usual unhappiness associated with disappointment, which stems from a feeling of powerlessness.

For example, you may vote for a candidate and regret it (that is, blame yourself for it). But if the candidate you voted for loses, it can also make you feel like you have no say in how you are governed—that’s where powerlessness comes into play.

The above study sheds further light on the psychological dimension of the difference between regret and disappointment. If Human disappoints you, which usually leads to feelings of anger. But if Exodus it is a disappointment that is usually accompanied by sadness.

Such findings tend to focus on what psychologists call “disconfirmed expectations,” meaning the difference between what you think will happen or should happen and what actually happens. A neuromodulator is involved in this dopaminewhich controls both reward and reward anticipation in our brains.

How it works: Imagine that around 11 a.m. your stomach is growling and you’re thinking about lunch. Your thoughts go back to the turkey sandwich you enjoyed last week from the local deli, which gives you a dopamine neuron response that builds anticipation and makes you make a plan to go there at noon. If, when you arrive and receive the sandwich, it is exactly what you expected, you will not receive an additional dopamine response. But if the sandwich turns out even better than you remembered, you’ll get an extra neurochemical boost that will teach you to come back for more. But if the grocery store is closed, God forbid, your dopamine response will drop and you will feel slightly depressed – or, in a word, upset.

This mechanism has undoubtedly evolved to teach us the most efficient way to accumulate rewards, such as food and mates, and to avoid wasting time and energy on fruitless activities. In ancient times, this reward system forced you to return again and again to the watering hole, where prey was easy to find. But if these animals took root and stopped appearing, you would become frustrated and lose interest.

The most psychologically painful disappointments are those in which the hope of reward contrasts most sharply with the actual result. A closed grocery store triggers a small dopamine hit that you’ll likely recover from in a matter of minutes. But if, say, you really expected your loved one to propose, and instead he leaves you out of town, the dopamine deficiency will be much more severe and harder to bear—perhaps leading to a period of anhedonia, an inability to feel. pleasure, which is characterized by dysregulation of dopamine levels and clinical depression.

Disappointment is especially difficult for optimists: they predict above-average results, and many better than any negative event. This means that they tend to have more “unconfirmed expectations” than non-optimists. I’m writing in a magazine Emotions In 2010, two psychologists studied how students felt before and after receiving exam results. They found that people with more optimistic expectations did not feel better than their peers beforehand, but on average felt worse after learning their results because optimists tended to be further from reality.

Arthur Brooks: Schopenhauer’s Advice on How to Achieve Great Goals

ABOUTyour life is full with uncertain results, often affecting what we care about most. Having any positive expectations means that disappointment is a part of life. This has led some thinkers to conclude that the only answer is pessimism. The 19th century philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer made a famous statement about this when argued that “we usually find pleasure not nearly as pleasant as we expected, and pain much more painful.” Here is one conclusion: don’t expect anything good or even worse, and you will never be disappointed.

On the other hand, Schopenhauer was known to be an unhappy man, so this may not be the best strategy. I believe it is better to remain hopeful amidst the uncertainty of life, but to differentiate between hope and optimism. Many people use these terms almost interchangeably, but they another. Optimism includes an element of forecasting – as we have just seen, waiting a good result that may be on the verge of delirium. Hope involves believing that even if a situation disappoints you, you can do something to improve that outcome. words One group of researchers on this issue: “have the will and find the way.” Because of this, like me writtenWhen it comes to happiness, hope far outweighs optimism.

Hope does not require you to make any predictions about what might happen. It simply requires you to believe that no matter what happens, you will have the opportunity to improve your circumstances, and you will be able to think a little about what that action might be.

Ironically, that’s half of what people do when they announce a plan to leave America if the wrong candidate wins the election. But the proposed action – leaving home and going into exile – is stupid and extreme; It would be much better to say, “If the bad guy wins, I will be disappointed, but despite the disappointment, I will work as hard as I can to improve the situation around me.” The same is true for other disappointments in life. If you’re hungry for a big promotion, don’t predict whether you’ll get it or not. Just be honest with yourself about what you hope for a reward, and think logically about what constructive actions you can take if you do get passed over.

Additionally, since disappointment is part of the beneficial neurobiological learning process that you have inherited for your evolutionary fitness, learn the valuable lessons of failure. Psychiatrist Carl Jung believed that when we are disappointed, we can indeed choose between bitterness and wisdom – the latter being “the comforter in all mental suffering.”

The problem with the “leave the country” approach is that it gives in to bitterness instead of learning. The same goes for disappointment, such as a bad breakup. Bitter response: “I’ll never date again.” The wise answer is to figure out how to avoid getting entangled in a future with someone who shares your ex’s problematic traits (What jerk).

Arthur Brooks: Jung’s Five Pillars of the Good Life

I wrote this column to reassure anyone who may be suffering from post-election disappointment and suggest a better way to cope with the situation. But maybe you No disappointed: Perhaps your candidate wonand you are delighted now. It can also be an opportunity for wisdom if you choose to take it.

Today you will taste victory, but remember: defeat is just around the corner because that’s how life works. Consider this truth and take the opportunity to extend grace to neighbors and family members whose candidate lost and who are disappointed because they feel today what you are sure to feel tomorrow. See this as a chance to time travel and show some kindness to comfort your frustrated future self.