U.Va. Prenuptial Agreement and University Launch New Ring in Spring Program – The Cavalier Daily

Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.

On Wednesday, the university announced a new partnership with U.Va. Marriage Pact to introduce the Ring of Spring program to reduce the prevalence of promiscuity. After witnessing the immature behavior of students in the spring 2024 semester (mostly freshmen), Governor Oldkin’s Board of Visitors proposed this initiative, citing immorality and an influx of crying in non-academic spaces as reasons for the program.

The council found inspiration in other respected institutions, such as Liberty University and Brigham Young University, which are attended by religious students who often seek to get married in college. After stormy During a semester at a university where political differences have sometimes split the student body, the Board hopes the program can literally bring students together despite those differences. Until death do them part!

Dougie D. Dryless, a member of the Council, spoke about the reasons for supporting the program, especially for female undergraduate students.

“We think these guys need to spend less time crying over a man who looks like he had to negotiate his place on Earth and more time crying about their career prospects,” Dryless said.

In a recording of the Council meeting made public, Council Member Paula E. Vanning weighed in on ideas for potential legal support for the program that have not yet been formally announced.

“We are currently discussing having university police arrest and install temporary ankle monitors on repeat offenders, especially those who run around holding hands in public. This reminds me too much of my ex-wife before she ran off with her tennis instructor,” Vanning said.

The new program will take a similar form to academic engagement programs. Instead of quarter-day classes on the basics of empiricism, ethics, difference, and aesthetics, students will choose a literal level of participation.

Using quantitative and qualitative data, incoming students will be placed in either the Ring by Spring track or remain single until graduation in the Single Income No Kids track, also known as SINK. U.Va. analysts In 2029, a third of the class is expected to choose Ring by Spring, marrying about 1,400 students.

The program will begin at the university’s Common Application level, with the university now requiring completion of the “Emotional Intelligence Assessment Test”. Scenarios will include choosing the best pick-up line, how to deal with the fact that someone like you is WAY more than you like them, and mastering the art of the soft ghost.

The results will then be plotted on a wedding bell curve, with students at the highest and lowest ranges of the curve having a higher chance of getting into university.

Once admissions makes its selection, U.Va. Marriage Pact will then process the data, creating student profiles and using a black market algorithm from Serbia to find matches. A final determination of eligibility will require a 56 percent match, taking into account factors such as intended major and supplemental essay topics.

U.Va. Marriage Pact Algorithm Manager C. Pitt expressed his excitement at the unprecedented level of institutional support the initiative has received.

“In our conversations with President Ryan, he strongly agreed with us that student love lives do NOT count as extracurricular activities. They should always be the final addition to the experience section of a resume,” Pitt said.

When Pitt was asked about how U.Va. “The Marriage Pact algorithm will create successful lifelong partnerships based on more than just application similarity,” he hesitates.

“Uh, put Republicans with Republicans and blacklist all women who claim to be cat people,” Pitt said.

Administration and U.Va. The purpose of the Marriage Pact is to implement the program for the class of 2029. Marriage Pact explained the implications of the decision in a statement emailed to students.

“U.Va. students are asked to be excellent AND good. We think it’s cool and all, but we’d rather they were romantic AND ready for a relationship. Or the little hermits on the edge of the SINK of the bell curve who live within the walls of Clem 1 and shower as if they were paying the university water bill,” Pitt said.

However, the Cavalier Daily has learned that the emotional intelligence test will not be required of students entering the School of Engineering and Applied Science. Undergraduate admissions officer Lemmy Inn explained the decision by saying the test would not be required for these unmarried students.

“Requiring these candidates to take the test would show a gross overestimation of these students’ abilities to experience emotions,” Inn said.

The announcement sent shockwaves through many Charlottesville organizations and businesses when Mincer’s announced the release of a classy new ring that doubles as an engagement ring. Competition is rumored to be heating up between University Chapel, St. Thomas Aquinas University Parish and St. Paul Memorial Church as they plan to compete for wedding bookings through 2040.

Much of the student body was outraged, with independent contract organizations such as the men’s rowing club, the Virginia alpine ski and snowboard team and the swim club creating petitions to block the initiative. The above-mentioned organizations are known for their incestuous practices: Club Swimming creates so-called “Swamilies” of coed swimmers, and Men’s Club Rowing is known for trying to force men into small boats.

However, this opinion is not completely shared. Organizations such as Chi Alpha, the Jefferson Society and Yellow Journal have applauded the program, noting that it will help eliminate romantic obstacles for their members.

In between annotating Old Testament chapters, Mira Cole, director of the Chi Alpha Bible study, provided commentary on the program.

“It’s time to restore the true meaning of the V to U.Va.,” Cole said.