Asking Eric: My sister-in-law won’t talk to me after I refused to give her money.

Dear Eric! One of my sisters-in-law has always been easy to offend. It runs in her family, people have been avoided for years. I tried to be loving and caring, but I always failed.

Eighteen months ago she had a medical emergency and our son asked us to come. While at their home, my sister-in-law began talking about their finances and asking my opinion on what they should do. I suggested that perhaps they should start planning for the future rather than living in the moment. For a while everything seemed fine. Then came anger, resentment and everything that goes with it.

I later realized that she wanted me to offer them financial assistance. We are retirees and earn almost a third of what they earn.

She stopped talking to us and we left. She cut off all contact with us immediately after sending me a very hateful email.

She also told one of our adult grandchildren that I had been telling lies about him.

Now our son is trying, on behalf of his wife, to simply forgive and forget. I actually liked that I didn’t have to hide every word I said and all the drama that came with it. I don’t believe I can trust her any more than I did before. I just don’t know if I can forgive and forget. I hate it, but it’s true. Any advice?

– Without intent to offend

Honey, no offense, I see red flags everywhere here. There are so many flags that it looks like the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games. It’s unconscionable that she lied to her child about you; It’s terrible that she broke off communication after you refused to give her money; It’s disturbing that she gets offended so quickly. Legitimate crime is one thing, but the way she uses it seems rather manipulative. You are right that you do not want to participate in manipulation.

Your son wants you to forgive and forget, but has she actually asked for forgiveness? Or did he contact you at all? I’m not saying you can’t forgive without an apology, but she crossed some lines and she needs to admit it.

Sometimes I am a proponent of “forgive and remember.” She has a pattern of behavior that makes it difficult for her to trust again without change. Ideally, you could talk to her and tell her how her actions affected you and she would make amends. If she doesn’t, it’s wise to keep your distance out of politeness.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)