Mom working 12-hour shifts feels guilty about missing baby days

• Kimberly Hicks juggles a demanding nursing job with raising three young children.
• Her 12-hour shifts often make her feel guilty about missing time with her children.
• Despite the challenges, Hicks values ​​his job and believes the long hours are worth it.

This essay, as stated, is based on a conversation with Kimberly Hicks, a 39-year-old registered nurse from Northern California. It has been edited for length and clarity.

I have been a registered nurse for 14 years. My wife, who also works full time, and I have three boys, ages 10, 7, and 2.

My schedule changes from week to week. I work one or two 12-hour shifts a week in the hospital, depending on the needs of my department. Now my shifts are from 7 am to 7 pm. I also work as an educator at my hospital, so I teach patients in the outpatient setting several days a week.

Work in 12 hour shifts It is challenging and mostly strenuous physical, mental and emotional work. I go to work before my kids wake up and come home and crawl into bed. I feel guilty that my job completely removes me from my children’s lives for days at a time. I hate missing their entire day.

I’m also building my own business—the nurse-focused nutritional supplement brand Replenishift—which I work on around 5:30 or 6 a.m. on the weekends before my kids wake up, in the afternoon when the baby naps, and after the kids will go to bed.

I leave before my kids wake up and only see them when they go to bed, if I see them at all.

I wake up at 5:30 am, get ready for work and hit the road to be at the hospital by 7 am. My kids wake up around the time I start work, so I don’t see them in the morning.

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On days when I work 12 hours, my two older sons go to school and then attend after-school activities until their father picks them up. My youngest son, who will be starting kindergarten later this year, either my mother-in-law was watching or a colleague or college-age children of a colleague.

I rarely hear from my children during the day. Sometimes I get a message or photo of my youngest from whoever is watching him, but for the most part I don’t know what’s going on. As a nurse, I am so interested in what happens to my patients during the day that I become fully immersed in their lives and away from my own.

I usually get home between 19:30 and 20:00, and sometimes later on particularly difficult days.

On the days when I work, I don’t see my youngest son at all. When I come home, he is already asleep. My two older sons usually brush their teeth and get ready to go to bed.

After I take off my robe and shower, we snuggle a little on my bed and they tell me all about their day. I am usually so tired physically, mentally and emotionally that I have a hard time remembering information that is told to me. makes me feel guilty.

It’s usually very difficult to separate them from me and get them to sleep, and I feel bad because I know they’re just happy to see me for the first time that day.

In my chart, mom guilt is at an all-time high.

On my day off from a 12 hour shift, as I recover physically and emotionally from the day before, I receive the emotional fallout from my toddler. He’s usually both happy and upset when he sees me—happy that I’m here, but angry when he realizes I wasn’t there the day before.

He then becomes completely attached to my body for the next eight hours. He won’t let anyone do anything for him, he won’t let me out of his sight, and we become one. I’m easy overstimulated by touch and when I start to get overstimulated, I start to feel depressed.

I feel guilty about being irritated. I know he needs this, so I hug and love him as long as he wants to reconnect with him and let him know that I will always be there for him.

The long hours are worth it because my work is important to me.

I overcome mom is to blame being fully present when I am with my children. This is useful for both me and my children.

My children never intentionally try to make me feel guilty. When I tell them that I have to work at the hospital the next day, they often become upset, cry, or express disappointment. I always try to validate their feelings and help them understand why they feel that way, as well as explain why I am going to work.

Many other nurses I work with also feel guilty about being away from home for 12 hours. Some people might just say, “Well, why don’t you look for a traditional job so you can work a more structured schedule, like in a doctor’s office where you can be home every day at 5 p.m. and have weekends and holidays?”

But I truly care about the people I serve in my hospital, and the work I do is very important to me; this is what feeds my soul as well as my family. The long hours are worth it and I wouldn’t change it at this point in my life.

If you are a working parent who is struggling to balance parenting with a career and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at: [email protected].