How to stop being jealous in a relationship, according to experts

According to Epstein, taking just a few minutes to identify your specific emotions (and why you feel them) can help you look at your jealousy more objectively. This way, you’re less likely to immediately blame, scold, or judge your partner based on a passing suspicion. This exercise can also break the cycle of catastrophic thinking (What if they leave me for their ex???) and will help you think about whether your feelings of jealousy are caused by your partner’s actions or by your own underlying issues, such as low self-esteem or fear of abandonment left over from your last breakup.

2. Check your suspicions.

It’s easy to jump to conclusions and slip into worst-case scenarios when unhealthy jealousy takes over your thoughts. They constantly text someone… it must be their ex. They laughed at their friend’s joke, but not at mine… maybe they don’t like me anymore.

But remember, these assumptions are not facts: “This is the story your jealousy tells you.” Alex Lee, LMFTa Fremont, California-based therapist tells SELF. That’s why it’s so important to challenge your negative thoughts by focusing on what you’re doing. In fact know.

For example, let’s say your partner doesn’t respond to your texts on Saturday night. Before you automatically assume they must be flirting at the bar, take a moment to remind yourself of the facts: They’ve already dated plenty of times without any drama, right? Or they’ve already warned you that you’re busy, so it’s not like they’re deliberately ignoring you. And really: when You Are you glued to your phone while having fun with friends? (Probably not!)

3. Resist the urge to delve into your partner’s past relationships…

Even if there is no reason to doubt their loyalty, retroactive jealousy (an unhealthy obsession with their previous romantic relationship) can still creep in. or compare your looks and intelligence to your cool, successful high school sweetheart.

However, indulging in such jealous behavior is a waste of time and energy because their past experiences are in the past for some reason, says Lee. To prevent resentment from taking over your current connection, he recommends setting healthy boundaries—for example, blocking or muting your exes on social media to avoid falling into rabbit hole for comparison. You can also politely ask them not to talk about their sexual history if you know it makes you feel insecure. By taking these steps, you can protect your mental health and refocus your attention on what’s going on. Nowwhich brings us to our next tip…

4. …and instead focus on what’s good in your relationship.

Instead of dwelling on hypothetical “what ifs,” Lee recommends redirecting your energy to assessing the present: “It’s a useful way to see how strong your relationship really is,” he says, “as well as how irrational your relationship might be.” doubts.