My partner is 40 and desperately wants a child, but I’m ambivalent about it.

I’m about 40 years old and my partner of two years just turned 40. I’ve honestly never been happier in a relationship and I’m so glad I found her. The only thing is that in the last year she began to put a lot of pressure on me to have children, saying that this was her “last chance” and that’s all she thinks about.

At first we tried, of course, to no avail, so we decided to go. along the IVF path. We had an initial consultation but the process seems so stressful and I like my life the way it is so I told her I chickened out and wasn’t sure I wanted kids. She said she’d be happy not to have kids if that’s what I wanted, but she’s afraid I might end up leaving her for someone younger when I “change my mind” and that she’ll regret it forever.

I don’t know how to calm her down – what should I do?

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What a whirlwind you’ve been through in your two years together: I’m wondering if you feel that after going through so much of life in such a short period of time, you’ve become closer? I wonder if you wish this whole topic with children had never come up at all so that you could continue to live with the joy you found in the present? But my friend, unfortunately, once Pandora is out of the box, she doesn’t come back.

This situation makes me anxious. Your friend who seemed to have such aspirations desire to become a mother that you were about to start IVF, which is physically a huge attack on the woman because they inject themselves with hormones and remove eggs – said she was happy not to have children. Is this to please you? Do you think she’s following her heart, or is she likely to regret or resent this decision whether you’re together or not?

Has your girlfriend been prone to other insecurities over the past two years, or is it specific to children? If it’s the former, then I wonder how much of her past she needs to come to terms with and heal. If this specifically relates to her not becoming a parent, I wonder if she needs to come to terms with her future. If she suggests that she will regret her decision not to try for children if you ever leave her, it sounds like she is very conflicted.

I’m not sure that any person will ever truly understand what the corporeal is I want to have a child can feel like a woman. She’s making an irreversible decision about her future, and I wonder if she’s ready to mourn the life she imagined? I wonder what it will be like for you to support her in this grief?

Having children is certainly not a compromise situation, and I’m glad you’re talking to your girlfriend about your problems now, rather than with a baby in your arms. I’m a little concerned that you think IVF sounds too stressful when you don’t put enough emphasis on natural conception.

It sounds like you want a simple, easy and peaceful life. But if she did get pregnant, your simple, peaceful life would end overnight—something many expectant parents don’t think about when conceiving children involves a lot of sex, especially during the honeymoon period of a love relationship. . I wonder if the realities of IVF have made you think about parenting in ways you may not have thought about before? You mention cold feet: do you think this is an admission of a natural fear of taking on enormous responsibility and unconditional love, or a conclusion that this is not the path for you?

It is clear that you are very happy to meet your girlfriend. You clearly don’t want to lose each other. I feel like it would be really nice for both of you to stop and think about your future.

It’s great that you like your life the way it is. However, life develops regardless of whether we want it or not – and whether we have children or not. Some of your friends will have children and their focus will likely shift to their families; you will meet new people and others will move away; you and your partner will get old and experience health problems. How do you feel about this? How does your partner really feel about the fact that he will never have children and grandchildren?

It amazes me how often women’s biggest fear in relationships is that their partner will leave them for someone younger and then have their child. It touches the most tender, sacred core, especially when the ideas of femininity and motherhood are intertwined. Does this apply to your girlfriend? Has she always pictured herself as a parent?

Did your partner always expect her to have children? Have you talked to her about how she will feel years from now when those around her have children and grandchildren? Is she asking herself about a new imagined future? How much have you talked to her about this: what will you do with all that free time that will now not be spent on changing diapers? Does this make her feel excited, relieved, or sad?

You don’t have to defend your girlfriend, but it is a kind thing to do and it’s important that she fully thinks about her decision in the long run. I also think it’s important for you to take the time to gain some distance and look at your own decision. Radical honesty is important: Focusing on your future will hopefully help you gain confidence about whether your future depends on your partner or whether you harbor any doubts after the tensions of the last two years, which however need to be addressed now. This may seem contrary to a peaceful and easy life in the short term.

Hopefully this, rather than promises that you won’t leave her and want to grow old together, will give her the confidence she needs about her future without children. Then your girlfriend may begin to mourn the loss of her imagined future; grief that can run deep and that you can support if not share.

When discussing your future, you should also make sure that your girlfriend has given full thought to whether she would be happy if she didn’t do the thing she previously told you she thinks about in every waking moment. If she decides she doesn’t end up doing it, she still has time to go down that path, with or without you. Either way, she needs to make this decision for herself, not for you.

If you have questions for Kenny, email him at [email protected].

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