Dear Annie: Too Much Help from a Friend Is Embarrassing

Dear Annie, I am a nurse who needed full-time care for my mother, who is in her 90s. I have siblings; however, when I ask them for help, there is always an excuse. I haven’t had a vacation for several years.
My friend, who is also a nurse, offered to take care of my mom so I could spend the long weekend. I was so grateful for her generous offer. Mom is very comfortable with this friend, so I planned to go on a well-deserved vacation. I checked while I was away and everything was going well.
When I returned, my mother told me that my friend had carefully cleaned several rooms in our house. I’m a good housewife, but my priority is taking care of my mother, so I clean as best I can. She also brought extra groceries even though I told her I had done my shopping before she arrived. I didn’t ask her to clean up or bring groceries, and I feel bad about what she did.
My mom told me that when she saw what my friend was doing, she told her that I would be embarrassed. My friend ignored mom’s advice and continued cleaning.
I told my friend that I appreciated her giving me a break, but I wanted her to ask me first before she cleaned up and brought us extra food that wasn’t necessary. She said she liked to stay busy, and I could tell she didn’t notice my discomfort. I’m torn between being grateful that I have a few days off, but now realizing that I don’t want this friend in my house anymore. Am I ungrateful? How can I move forward? — Overloaded
Dear Stunned! Your friend likely viewed the extra housework as simply part of the care she provided. Instead of interpreting this as a reflection of your ability to keep things organized, reframe the experience as a friend wanting to go above and beyond after seeing how hard you work for your mom.
Avid cleaners are often driven by the need to be in control. This is not for you personally. Whether you accept her help in the future is up to you.

Dear Annie, I read your column, “Love Wins,” by a 16-year-old girl who asked if she could secretly get engaged to her boyfriend, both of whom were still in high school. I agree with your assessment: if something this important has to remain a secret, something is wrong.
I would like to add that the practice of using a promise ring is a forgotten tradition that dates back only a few generations. A boy about the same age as her boyfriend gave his high school sweetheart an inexpensive ring, and then they waited a couple of years to actually get engaged.
This act gives the couple a chance to enter the real world together and see what it’s like to be an adult couple – with jobs, higher education, hobbies and goals that don’t always align. It will also be something publicly available. Maybe Love Wins should go this route? — Young married, two decades later
Dear married young people! Thank you for your letter. Several other readers wrote the same nice suggestion. I agree that the intention behind a promise ring reflects the love these two have for each other, but without having to hide it or rush into a lifelong commitment until they’re older and completely ready for it – the perfect next step.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].