Dear Annie, Should I end my 42-year friendship over money?

Dear Annie, I have been friends with “Martha” for 42 years. I always thought our friendship was fickle, but I forgave her behavior because of my difficult upbringing. As we grew up, not much changed. She gets angry over trifles and sometimes stops talking to me for months. Growing up, it was about making new friends or taking different classes. As an adult, it was more about lifestyle differences, like her changing religions over and over again or going vegan, and me not cutting ties with people whose views or practices she didn’t agree with. Despite all this, I always considered her family.

We were both single mothers and our youngest children were in their 40s; I’m 14 and she’s 11. Several years ago, Martha inherited a large sum of money from a rich uncle. She then told me that if the inheritance was significant, she would share some of it with me because, as she said, “We are family.” I thanked her but said I didn’t expect anything.

Unfortunately, we weren’t on speaking terms when she got the money because of one of those temporary fights, so I didn’t know how much she got, but it changed her life. She bought herself a house, several cars, an apartment for her eldest son and gave large sums of money to her adult children. We were both struggling financially, so I was genuinely happy for her and never mentioned her offer to give me some of the money.

Later, when we started talking again, she again told me that I was part of the family and if I ever needed anything, I should ask. I made it clear that I didn’t want to ask her for money, but she insisted that she loved me, I was her family, and she wanted me to do it.

Fast forward to about a year ago: my youngest son became self-conscious about his crooked teeth and practically stopped smiling. It broke my heart. I found a company that could help with aligners, but was unable to get financing. After exhausting all other options, I finally decided to turn to Martha for help. It was hard, but she told me repeatedly that she wanted to be there for me, and I foolishly believed her. I asked if I could borrow $2,000 for treatment and promised to pay her back. She immediately agreed and told me I didn’t need it, saying, “You’re my family and I’m glad to give this to you.” I was overwhelmed with gratitude, literally in tears, and told her I would pay it back, but she insisted I didn’t need it.

Now, about a year later, she is upset about political differences. She recently sent me a hurtful message saying that I was selfish and that by asking for this money I was willing to disrespect her so she would do something for her “real family.” I reminded her of her repeated offers, and she said that she did not expect that I would actually ask to borrow money, and if I did, it would certainly not be for such a large amount. She said my request left her $2,000 short of buying another house, which seems unlikely to me, and I think her anger had more to do with our political differences.

I’m torn. Part of me wants to cut ties, send her $2,000 and move on, having learned a painful lesson at the cost of a 42-year friendship. But another part wants to forgive her, return the money and continue the friendship. I feel sad and ashamed for asking her for help and I felt like I should have known better. No matter how hard life gets, I never ask for help, and this is a very harsh reminder of why.

— Conflict

Dear Conflict Person: True, meaningful friendships shouldn’t feel like a roller coaster ride where kindness is offered one minute and weaponized the next. Even when you and Martha are on “good” terms, it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and she gets angry again.

Send her money back if you are financially able and distance yourself from this toxicity. Just because you’ve been friends for so long doesn’t mean you have to stay and be mistreated.

“How do I forgive my cheating partner?” out now! The second Annie Lane anthology, featuring beloved columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation, is available in paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].