Three glasses of wine a night seemed normal until I tried to stop.

No one ever knows when they have crossed the invisible line of alcohol addiction. Ironically, I always knew intuitively that I might have a problem, given that substance use, especially alcohol, has been widespread on both sides of the family for generations.

What surprises people is that I only started drinking when I was 24 years old. I tried drinking twice when I was 18, but quickly realized I didn’t like it, so I decided to abstain completely. However, my perspective changed when my best friend at the time thought it would be funny to mix vodka and diet coke without me knowing.

After this incident I started drinking regularly and within a year I found myself drinking two or three glasses of wine every evening while working from home. By the time I was 27 years old, this habit gradually grew to two or three bottles.

When I turned 30, I realized that my drinking habits were quite excessive, but I was oblivious to how it could affect me. The only thing that bothered me was that I had gotten out of the habit of going to the gym, although before that I had been doing daily gym sessions.

As Managing Director of the charity I founded, Men Have Eating Disorders Too! I seemed to be “functioning”—albeit dysfunctionally—which, in retrospect, was probably one of the early signs of my alcoholism. signs that my drinking is “too much”, why should I be any wiser?

The first signs that I started drinking began 36 hours after I decided to quit drinking with the intention of returning to the gym. At this point I had not gone more than twelve hours without touching a single drop. While in London on a very hot day in July 2016, I couldn’t ignore how terrible I felt. I was sweating and dripping with sweat as I rode the subway to my destination.

As I stood up to get off the train, I noticed that my body was not doing what I told it to do and my reactions were slowing down. This was the first sign that I realized something was wrong. It was as if there was a disconnect between my brain, body and ability to move – almost like an out-of-body experience. After getting off the train, I somehow made it to the street and the exit.

My anxiety went through the roof, and in complete panic, I took refuge in a cafe opposite the station. At this point, I tried to bring the glass of water to my mouth to drink, but I kept spilling water on myself.

The woman sitting at the table opposite looked at me with curiosity. “Do you need help? Do you look like you’re in trouble?” – she said after a while. She introduced herself and it turned out that she was the charge nurse from St. Mary’s Hospital. – Do you know what’s wrong with you? she asked.

“No,” was my short but breathless answer. All I could think about was that maybe I was having a reaction to something, but I wasn’t allergic to anything. The next minute I lost consciousness, and then I was in the ambulance arriving at the hospital.

Unfortunately, it took a third hospital visit in November 2016 to confirm that my previous episodes of illness were due to alcohol withdrawal. “You’re out the door,” said a specialist doctor from the local drug and alcohol service. “You need to be referred for detoxification, possibly an inpatient facility, given the severity of your withdrawal,” he continued.

Until now, it had not even occurred to me that drinking alcohol was leading to my illnesses – more precisely, to cutting down my drinking too quickly or stopping drinking too suddenly – for example, to “cold turkey”. “It is very important that you continue to drink to prevent further attacks,” he stressed, which at first glance seemed like confusing medical advice.

Admittedly, it took me a while to realize this; I didn’t realize that my nervous system would go into shock—due to alcohol withdrawal—if I went more than a day without drinking.

The worst of my symptoms were severe hallucinations, sometimes called delirium tremens. They got worse as I relapsed after repeated detoxes and my symptoms were made worse by malnutrition. Usually the hallucinations were of spiders and crab-like creatures that I physically felt crawling on me. These episodes were terrifying, but I could not remember how long they lasted.

In November 2019, I experienced my latest bat hallucination after attempting to detox again. The next eight days of my admission were spent in a daze due to the drugs they gave me to wean me off alcohol. All I remember is that the first few days were very difficult, but I got through it. Eventually my symptoms subsided and I finally began to see a future for myself. However, detoxing was the “easy” part and the real work began when I got home.

There will be many people like me who are “beyond the threshold” and can suffer in silence. After a few days of abstinence, they may experience unexplained symptoms. Or they might give up and start drinking again without knowing why. On reflection, if I had learned about the harsh reality of alcoholism sooner, I too would have been able to recover faster.

Looking back, I consider myself lucky to be alive. What I know now is that if my alcohol addiction had continued, I would have been knocking on the devil’s door. This last detox was particularly challenging and served as a powerful reminder of how close I was to it. Now, almost five years sober, I want to share my story so others know they are not alone.

I’ve been sober for two years now. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that addiction thrives in isolation and secrecy, which is another reason we need to talk about it without shame. To ensure that I have many more years of sobriety ahead of me, I need to be confident that my recovery will be greater than my addiction ever was.

Sam Thomas writer, activist and speaker. He lives in Brighton, UK.

All opinions expressed are those of the author.

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