Talk about body donation – Carswellfamilyfoundation

This may be morbid, but – I’m getting married soon and the conversation about wills came up with my partner. I don’t care what happens to my body after I die. I also don’t want to burden the people I leave behind with planning and logistics. Would it be fair to my family if I just donated my body to science and didn’t plan anything else? I’ve never been a person who cared much about fanfare, and I’ve never felt the benefit of a wake or funeral myself.

Anonymous / Somerville

Congratulations on your wedding! I don’t find your way of thinking morbid at all – a major event in life naturally forces us to look into the future.

Your question combines two separate questions: what happens to your body after you die and what your surviving loved ones will do to remember you. Because they will remember you – you understand, right? Funerals and memorial services may not mean anything to you, but they do matter to the vast majority of people, including most likely the people who love you very much. Unless you really want to burden your grieving friends and family, don’t force them to produce and direct a show without any guidance. When people don’t know what their loved one wants, it feels stressful rather than liberating. People want to do the right thing, and shrugging their shoulders and saying “whatever” doesn’t help them. It feels like you’re hanging on them.

(And straight up: so what if you don’t like the fanfare? You don’t have to endure it.)

As for your body, if you really don’t care about its final decision and your family does (if there’s a family plot or something like that), then logically their wishes should prevail. But if you really have a strong desire to donate your body, then by all means do it. My mother donated her body to science, and I was immensely proud and grateful to her for that. It truly saved us significant costs and, more importantly, it was the latest expression of her desire to help the people around her and be of service in any way she could. Seven years have passed and I still get emotional when I think about it. She always knew how to make a good first impression and an even better final one.

My mother also had the sad luxury of dying after a severe breakdown during which she was able to tell us what she wanted us to know so that we could remember her. You may not get this privilege: death catches some of us early and by surprise. So write down at least a few thoughts on paper. If there are photos you want them to see, a song you want them to hear, a thought you want them to take with them – how could they not – write it down.

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Miss Behavior is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.