Miss Manners: I’m forced to go to a party because of something I hate

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend of mine planned to throw a themed party around a pop culture phenomenon she’s passionate about, but I have no interest in it (and actually don’t like it at all). I initially refused to attend, but when the guest list became too large for the venue he was planning, I agreed to let him use my larger house for it.

I was thinking of making other plans that evening, but most of the participants are my good friends and I would love to see them before/after the main activity.

If a party is at my house, is it rude to half-participate?

kind reader: Since you’re the de facto homeowner, why not keep yourself busy by doing hosting-related things in the meantime?

Any hint that you hate this public gathering will not be appreciated. Miss Manners suggests instead that you sneak out quietly to “refresh the bar” and “refresh the food” – even if it takes the full length of the event to make this happen.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I don’t eat out often, but when we do we like to go to a nice restaurant and usually drink a bottle of wine.

One thing that bothered us was that the server stopped frequently to refill our glasses (mostly when the glasses were almost full). Not only does this interrupt our conversation, it feels like they’re trying to get us to finish the bottle quicker.

What’s the best way to let them know that we prefer to pour our own wine?

kind reader: Place your hand over your glass and politely say: “Thank you. “I haven’t finished this glass yet and we don’t want to disturb you, so we can fill the rest ourselves.”

Miss Manners will join you in scolding the waitress for just doing her job, hoping she doesn’t react badly by, for example, continuing to pour it into your hand.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a text message to invite our 80-year-old family friend, who is very dear to us, very kind and humble, to an event.

I received a response, but it was not a response to my invitation. Instead, it was a very personal and sensitive message addressed to someone else.

I don’t know if he realizes his mistake and I’m hesitant to tell him because I don’t want to embarrass him. But if I don’t tell him, he may continue to believe that you sent it to the right person.

Should I tell him what happened or let him find out for himself?

kind reader: How could he do the latter without finding out that he had accidentally sent his reply to your message to someone else? And then tortured himself wondering who that person was?

Miss Manners suggests you tell her what happened instead. And then, as he gathers his composure, immediately tell him that you hope he can attend your event.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at www.missmanners.com; to his email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syntaining, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.