LIZ JONES: The one where I thought I was going to hit rock bottom.

Typical. B******. Man.

David 1.0 continued to bully me about returning the engagement ring even though I told him I was still in Paris. “I’ll post it on Wednesday.” Which is what I did: special delivery which cost over £10. The postal worker asked me what was in the package. – My wedding ring, he wants it back.

– Then second class, isn’t it?

On Thursday he wrote that he was “going away for a few weeks” (his cat died; Nick thinks he told me this to make me wonder where he was going and with whom, which I can categorically tell you is not the case) . so can I delay posting and he will let me know when he gets back.

‘Too late.’

On Friday I had to ask if it arrived safely. “Oh, I don’t know. The doorbell is broken.

A few hours later. — I missed it, but they left a card.

Doesn’t that sum it up for men?

Woman: maximum, expensive, uncomfortable effort. He: no effort, just makes demands and sits back, stroking his bloated belly. Anyway, I texted him that I couldn’t stop crying.

– Understand, you haven’t made peace with Adolf.

“He’s not German! I only called him that to protect his identity. I need to know where I’m going wrong. Many readers say I shouldn’t have written anything at all, I should have let him do it. That I shouldn’t always pay and buy expensive gifts.”

He answered. You won’t believe this.

“I don’t think that’s a problem. I don’t know about Adolf, but I would say that in terms of income proportions I easily match yours. My difference is given without expectations. Many times my gifts were ridiculed. You can’t let things take their course. You are dragging things from the past. Please don’t be angry and list all my problems. This is not a competition. If that were the case, I would have lost. Just my honest opinion, expressed without malice.

But I didn’t do anything like that with a new person. There was no past to dredge up. And who says something like: “In proportion to income…”? “I’m lazy and broke, so here’s a penny—in terms of income, it easily matches the Paul Smith suit you bought me, earned in a career that makes you sick with stress.” Misguided t***.

I can’t stand it when people give me tasks. David messaged me asking me to submit his play to Radio 4, which I did. No answer. Not even “Go away.” He asked to read it, so I sent it to him. These are all additional movements performed by my RSI-infused body. A few weeks later I reminded him, “I’m surprised I didn’t hear back.”

He: “I got the play, thank you.”

That’s it. Enough of the pedantic riddles. I blocked him.

I was inspired by a new project. One very famous person agreed for me to publish her memoirs; she told me she was “very passionate.” It’s due out next summer to coincide with a big tour. I even hired an agent. I told Nick, “This is going to be huge. Now I see the headlines.” Then, on Saturday night, the celebrity emailed that she had spoken to family and friends and had changed her mind*. It’s like that moment in Bridesmaidswhen Annie turns to her mom after she’s returned home with her few things in boxes and says, “Remember when you thought I’d hit rock bottom?” This was not the bottom.

I was trying to figure out how to copy Neil’s hundreds of text messages. (Did I just type his name? Oops.) Then I can save them (“Love you so much,” “You’re so cute,” “Maybe I love you because you’re so damn attractive,”

“I only dream about you”; none of this was from me by the way) somewhere in a file for a future Netflix doc called Worst guy in the worldbut I won’t have to look at his smug face with gray stubble in my mailbox every day. I’ll block him too. Do you understand? More unpaid tasks.

*I blame Kate Moss.

JONES MOANS…WHAT LIZ HATES THIS WEEK

• I’m worried about package delivery.
• Ikea. I purchased two Ilse Crawford bamboo pendant lamps from his app. Then, for an additional fee, I checked the TaskRabbit box to request in-home assembly and services. I called my bunny the day before his due date and asked him to bring a light bulb since Ikea only delivered one. He replied that he had no light bulbs. The next morning he just took the curtains out of the box and said he couldn’t attach them to the ceiling because “I’m not an electrician.” Was the app supposed to recognize my purchase and book it?
• Struggling with hotel robes to unfasten a tied belt.

Illustration: Tom Peak’s photography

Connect with Liz at lizjonesgoddess.com and find her @lizjonesgoddess.