How to Talk Politics Without Starting a Fight

Just ask Cristina Yang.

Young is an assistant professor of rhetoric and language. She has 30 years of experience in performing, acting and theater production, and 17 years of Jesuit compassion.

“The work of understanding is messy and complex,” Young said. “We may think that it is better to simply avoid circumstances in which we will disagree with others, but developing our ability to tolerate discomfort, speak clearly about our beliefs and values, and listen carefully to the beliefs and values ​​of others are essential skills for building a better society “

Here’s Young’s advice on how to attract others while staying true to yourself.

Do: ask questions

Instead of jumping to conclusions about what the other person means, ask. If Uncle Bill says immigrants are different, ask him what he means by “different.” Questions show respect: you seek to understand.

Do: Listen

When talking to someone else, we often spend more time thinking about what we are going to say than listening to what the other person is saying. Listen with both ears. Listen the way you would like to be listened to. And then speak.

Do: Speak for yourself

Aunt Mary says over pumpkin pie, “Everyone is so confused about gender these days! What is “non-binary” anyway?” Instead of lecturing Aunt Mary or hitting her with a quote from Akwake Emezi, who has written about non-binary, try saying, “In my experience, traditional gender roles can be stifling for women and men.” When you speak from your own experience, you are using “I” statements that cannot be refuted. And when you express your point of view, it gives people the opportunity to reconsider their point of view.

Don’t: Be defensive

If Uncle Bill tells you that your college teaches you to stay awake, you might blush and start stuttering. But then you can take a breath and ask him what “woke” means to him. It’s natural to feel defensive, but if we can be curious rather than angry, we can increase our empathy and understanding.

Don’t: Raise your voice

If you find yourself raising your voice, rolling your eyes, or pointing, stop. Say, “Hey Aunt Mary, this sounds important to you, but it upsets me. I’d like to talk about this later.” Saying “no” is not just a tactic. This is a sign of respect. It’s better for everyone if you stop rather than lose control.

Don’t: Try to win

If you and Uncle Bill can’t get along on immigration, you can stop talking about immigration. Take a long-term view of the situation. You will have other dinners. You don’t have to win tonight—or ever.

You can still love Uncle Bill and he can still love you. Remember that you are on the same team with your family and friends. Keeping in touch is much more important than winning a point.