How to avoid conflict when there is a political divide, according to an expert

Coleman, a social psychologist, knows a thing or two about dealing with conflict. He is a professor of psychology and education at Columbia University and directs the Morton Deutsch International Center for Collaboration and Conflict Resolution, where he directs Difficult Conversations Lab. He is also the author of several books, including “The solution: how to overcome toxic polarization”

“This is a particularly tense time,” he said, noting that the conflict, which begins with political leaders, extends to everyone. “You’re starting to see these kinds of divisions in families and workplaces that seem insurmountable,” he said.

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Coleman said that by some measures, including the willingness of members of Congress to work to pass legislation, we are “as polarized or more polarized” than we were shortly after the American Civil War.

“There are many factors contributing to this, but if you look at some of the indicators, this is an acute time of conflict, tension, polarization, indifference, and we are quick to assume the worst from the other and react in sort of both physiological (and) psychological ways,” he said.

Anyone who has personally experienced conflict (which is almost everyone) knows that it is felt in both the body and the mind.

“Humans, we are hardwired to be sensitive to threats, some of us more than others,” he said. “When we encounter a member of an outgroup (a social group with which a person does not identify), it activates our amygdala, triggering our feelings of anxiety, threat and emotion. And that’s… a pretty primitive and evolutionary instinct that we all live with.”

What’s more, Coleman said that when we hear or read something that we find outrageous, it triggers the same parts of the brain that are activated by drugs—and we can actually become addicted to that outrage.

But, he says, we humans are also designed to collaborate.

Coleman cites work anthropologist Douglas Frywho studied peaceful societies and discovered that when Homo sapiens lived in small groups, hunting and obtaining food, they had to cooperate. But about 10,000 years ago, when the first people settled down and began to claim land and accumulate property, “that’s when inequality and envy and a sense of a kind of injustice begin to emerge. war,” he explained.

“The fact is, most of us are hardwired to cooperate and need each other… because in the first two years of our lives we are so vulnerable that we need others to survive,” Coleman said. “And in small groups we tend to do just that.”

So how can we prioritize cooperation over conflict when we need to resolve differences – political or otherwise?

One of the tactics of “action” is compromise. “Compromise is a method of resolving conflict or resolving disputes. Usually it’s splitting the difference,” Coleman explained, citing the example of a parent who cut an orange in half so two feuding siblings could split equally. “This can often be the best solution in some situations.”

But this is not the only way. Finding an “integrative solution” may be the best way forward, he said. For example, maybe one child wants to eat an orange and another wants the peel to make marmalade. In this case, each child will be able to get 100% of what he wants.

“It means figuring out what their needs are in that situation, and then getting creative and solving problems around how everyone can get more of what they want, not just half of what they want.”

Assuming that everyone has the same motivation or that everyone values ​​the same things is “a real rookie mistake that we all make all the time,” he said.

How can you better prepare to resolve conflicts, negotiate productively, and avoid World War III during these disagreements? Coleman has five tips.

“Recognize that anxiety and strong emotions are normal when dealing with divisive and sensitive issues,” Coleman said via email.

“Instead of relying solely on logical arguments, focus on building a foundation of positivity, trust and rapport with (people) despite differences,” he said. “This may take time, but is critical to having constructive conversations.”

To stay calm and collected while you work to build trust, he recommends reaching out to your favorite peacemaker and asking yourself how he would handle the situation.

Understand that the most serious problems are complex and rarely have simple solutions, Coleman noted, highlighting topics such as abortion, gun control and immigration.

“Real problems are like an onion—they have layers,” he said. “Look for the gray areas, acknowledge the good and the bad on both sides, and don’t make things black and white.”

And remember that two opposing arguments can be true at the same time, and good people can hold different points of view.

When starting a discussion, tread carefully because what you say and how you say it will influence the rest of the conversation and possibly the future of your relationship.

“Be mindful of how you initiate and navigate difficult conversations, as your first steps (initial conditions) can make a big difference in the outcome,” Coleman said.

Instead of embarking on what might seem like a full-blown investigation, he advised starting the conversation with the “human dimension.” Ask how the person is doing, how their children or parents are. Only then carefully move on to the question: “Can you tell me why you feel this way about (difficult topic)?”

“Active listening is not just sitting while someone is talking and waiting your turn to give a killer rebuttal,” Coleman said.

“You should really hear what the other person says,” he said. “Make your mind up not to win, but to understand where they are coming from. You may surprise yourself with how much more open you become.”

One way to do this is to think of discussion as a “dialogue” to be engaged in, rather than a “debate” to be won.

“It’s easy to think that people never change, especially those who disagree with you,” Coleman said, but change is possible—for them and for you.