Ask Eric: Remind people to stop worrying about the little things.

Dear Eric: For the past three decades I have been battling a mild autoimmune disease that flared up from time to time. Normal life is difficult during exacerbations, especially when my husband and I are raising a family and running a business. I did everything I could.

About five years ago I became very ill and it got worse and worse. During this period I mourned the loss of my two brothers and my father. Other traumatic events also occurred.

I’m trying to heal and most of all I’m trying to make the most of every day, even if I don’t. I read your wonderful column regularly. What would you recommend to help me deal with the slight bitterness I feel about people who complain about the most minor, often ridiculous problems, people who waste their precious days being angry or resentful about things that don’t really matter, in while there are people hoping for another year. – No complaints

Dear, no complaints: I am always in awe when I read the wise words of Kate Bowler, a Duke Divinity School professor and Christian scholar who writes frequently about living after a stage IV colon cancer diagnosis. In her book, Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved, she writes: “I keep having the same evil thought: I’m preparing to die, and everyone else is on Instagram.”

How can everyone else be so caught up in their own little problems when life is so fragile and fleeting? Often we deliberately do not see the value of our days because it is a reminder of their finitude.

While you may be annoyed by others’ poor judgment, use it as a reminder that they didn’t do the job you did. And that they are, to paraphrase Ian McLaren, fighting a battle that we know nothing about. For many people, this battle is against a lack of meaning in their own lives.

Bitterness steals the crumbs of your gratitude and awe. So, use the feeling of bitterness as an alarm signal: Attention! This person is not in the same place as me. Use this as permission to tune them out (or even cut them out of your life altogether for a while) and refocus on yourself, your journey, and the parts of your life that connect you to meaning, wonder, and gratitude.

Dear Eric: I had a good friend who died last year. We have known each other for over 50 years. We communicated as best we could, and I talked to him often.

He got sick and I visited him as much as I could. After his death, I offered to help his wife with funeral arrangements since they had done nothing. I didn’t hear any answer.

We learned about the funeral from the Internet. We sent flowers and cards; we never received any response. We called and left messages the same way. We sent cards for masses, holidays and birthdays. No answer.

We hear from other friends that she is fine. We don’t understand her behavior and don’t know what else we can do. What’s your advice? – Confused Friend

Dear Perplexed: I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I know his wife’s silence makes this loss even worse. Silence also makes it difficult to understand what is happening on her part. A likely explanation is that her grief is making it difficult to talk to you, causing her to withdraw, or simply complicating the logistics. It’s hard to accept, but it’s not about who you are. Grief is complex and often vicious; it drives us crazy.

Unfortunately, there is nothing more you can do to strengthen the connection. At this point, it is important to recognize her silence as a boundary and respect it. You’ve shown your support in many ways, but if that’s not what she wants or needs, the best thing to do is to back away in love.

Dear Eric: I would like to add something to your answer to “No poker face” a white guy in his 60s who asked how he should respond to an old friend’s racist comments.

I highly recommend the Southern Poverty Law Center’s collection of downloadable PDFs, Speak Out: A Response to Everyday Bigotry. The former book Speak is a treasure trove of examples of how to respond to these all-too-familiar situations, from Thanksgiving dinner to the workplace and everywhere in between. – Tough talk

Dear Talk: Thanks for pointing this out. What a wonderful resource.

Dear Readers: On November 10, 2024, I am thrilled to join psychological scientist Dacher Keltner and creative entrepreneur Mali Bacon for a public conversation about Gratitude at the Spirit & Place Festival in Indianapolis. You can find more information at spiritandplace.org. I hope you’ll join us!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.