When Your Need to Please Backfires

Do you find yourself constantly adjusting your behavior to please others? Do you often suppress your needs in order to maintain harmony? Are you tired of trying to be what everyone else wants you to be? If these questions resonate, you’re not alone in being confused by true belonging.

“Belonging requires respecting who you are,” explained Daniel Siegel founding co-director UCLA Mindfulness Research Center and executive director of the Mindsight Institute when we interviewed him recently. “If you have to give up your own ethical choices about what is right for you in order to win the approval of others, that is not the same as belonging.”

When we prioritize fitting in over true belonging, we often trade our authentic selves for what feels like immediate security and acceptance. However, this pattern usually leads to exhaustion, burnoutand decreased sense of self over time.

Siegel suggests that we can build the inner trust needed to break free from people-pleasing by using safe, protective techniques. attachment System 4S:

• Safe: When the desire people please arises, remind yourself that your worth is not determined by the approval of others. Notice the desire to immediately provide comfort to others at your own expense. Reassure yourself that you can pause before answering and that temporary disapproval will not ruin your relationship. You deserve respect even if others disagree with your choices.
• Visible: Instead of rushing to fix others’ discomfort, take the time to pay attention to your own feelings and needs. What parts of yourself do you feel the urge to silence or hide? What would you say or do if you weren’t afraid of being judged? Respect these authentic parts of yourself rather than push them away to maintain harmony.
• Reassured: When anxiety rises from the potential disappointment of others, ground yourself in your body. Place your hands on your heart or stomach and breathe slowly. Remind yourself that these unpleasant feelings will pass and that true belonging occurs when you are authentic, not perfect. Continue this practice until you feel resilient enough to choose your response rather than automatically being a people pleaser.
• Safe: From this more down-to-earth perspective, ask yourself, “What would satisfy both my needs and this relationship? borders will help me show up more authentically?” Trust that you can handle any temporary discomfort that comes from being true to yourself. Remember that relationships built on accommodation rather than true belonging will always leave you feeling drained.

“When we feel securely attached to ourselves,” explains Siegel, “we become more flexible, agile, and achieve a higher level of functioning.” This inner security allows us to show up authentically in our relationships rather than constantly changing shape to fit others’ expectations.

For example, faced with pressure from correspondyou can do the following:

• Pause to notice the impulse to immediately agree (visible).
• Remind yourself that you are worthy of different views (safely).
• Take a few deep breaths to calm down (Calm).
• Choose an answer that respects your authentic self while remaining respectful of the relationship (Safe).

Although setting boundaries and being authentic can create temporary discomfort in a relationship, research shows that women who consistently make choices to balance their own needs and the needs of others report greater freedom. authenticityand energy in the long term.

True belonging comes not from conforming to the expectations of others, but from bringing our whole selves—including our differences and imperfections—into our connections with others.

A version of this post also appears on Substack.