I have the dumbest golf pet peeve, but I can’t get rid of it | Golf News and Tour Information

Golfpocalypse is a weekly collection of words about (mostly) professional golf that makes very little sense and the surgeon general says it will make you worse. Contact The Golfpocalypse with questions or comments about anything on the site [email protected].

Now that the endless presidential election is over and we have about six weeks until the next one begins, it seems like a good time to take our minds off the really big and important things in the world and get lost in the meaningless minutiae. At least on a golf website!

So let’s get petty and petty and remind ourselves that no matter what happens at the highest levels of government and world politics, tragic or triumphant, what really matters is the tiny grievances that keep us in a constant state of rage from time to time. You could throw a billion dollars on my porch tomorrow morning, but the most memorable part of my day would still be the guy who cut me off in traffic. Is this a healthy lifestyle? Definitely not. And yet, will I change? Unlikely! As Mel Brooks once said, “Tragedy is when I stub my toe. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole and die.”

So today I want to talk about pet irritations, especially on the golf course. I like to hear what pisses people off, and the more petty the annoyance, the more I like it. I can tell you that I personally do some very annoying things that almost certainly come across as someone’s annoyance. I’ve become a much better player over the last couple of years, but if I have a terrible round, I’ll still replay after a bad drive, even if the drive isn’t OB. There’s nothing I can do about it. I just need to fix what went wrong and do it immediately. (Note: the second shot is almost always worse.) It’s vaguely tolerable the first time, when the next player approaching the tee has to stop and step aside while I furiously shove another tee into the ground, but the fifth time? It must be very disgusting.

Another very annoying thing I do is say “nice shot!” too early. call. My stepfather does this all the time when we play, and I want to kill him every time. Oh, that’s a great shot, isn’t it, Tom? Then why the hell is he catching a 30 yard OB?

(One of my most embarrassing moments on the golf course came when I yelled at him for this. We didn’t talk for about two months.)

And yet, I do it too! I’ve tried to stop and have actually made progress, but I think my personal, pathological need to bring good vibes to the group is so strong that once a round I inevitably praise some shot that looks good a millisecond after it hits, but ends up in someone’s kitchen. I don’t like this about myself, and I’m trying to get better.

This brings us to my pet peeve, which is a little weirder but annoys me to no end. This is so weird that I’m not even sure I can fit it into one sentence, but I’ll try:

I hate playing with people who don’t understand etiquette.

What does this really mean? At the risk of sounding neurotic, which I really like, I think that when everyone in a foursome is on the grass, there needs to be proper choreography. To dance correctly, you just need to learn a few simple rules:

1. The one who is furthest from the hole hits first.

2. Once you hit, it is ALWAYS up to you what happens next. Do you want to hit again? Certainly. Just be quick. Want to celebrate? Fine, just don’t use the poker chip like an asshole. Want to pick it up and call it good even if you’re six feet away and have already missed three-footers? While we’re not at the match, let’s go to town! Shoot the fakest 82 of your life!

That’s it. This is all. A child could master this. A lot of kids do that, I imagine. (The only kids I play with are my own, and they are busy treating the bunkers like their own personal sandbox.)

And yet, I constantly find myself paired with people who don’t understand this. They will strike and then look at me as if I am the policeman in charge of allowing them to strike again. Or they won’t have a mark and will leave the ball there in all its sadness and shame. It’s infuriating. It’s unbearable. They giggle, whine, hesitate. (voice becomes increasingly frantic) THEY DON’T KNOW THE DANCE STEPS! CAN’T YOU SEE?! NO ONE TAUGHT THEM TO DANCE!

I know it’s stupid to be annoyed. But when I was a clumsy child, there’s something about the awkwardness of not knowing when to strike and when to mark that hit me like nails on a chalkboard. I’m not proud of it. I wish I didn’t have to be such a nervous weirdo over this stupid part of the game. And yet, here we are: I am a psychopath when it comes to etiquette, and I will never change.

FIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THE TOUR: WITHOUT EDITION

There were no tournaments on either the PGA Tour or the DP World Tour last week! Very strange, very disgusting. Please don’t ever let this happen again.

But instead of talking about golf, guess what? I’m using this space to talk Duke basketball, baby! If you didn’t know that I was already a Duke fan, I probably succeeded in making you hate me. Sorry about that. But I saw Duke play its first game against Maine on Friday, and my Godthis team is good. The best Duke team since Kyrie Irving. Hear me now, believe me later, Duke wins a national title, Con Knuppel will be president in 2044, and although Cooper Flagg is 24 years younger than me, I already think of him as a father figure. Guys, this is going to be a great year.

I sincerely apologize for forcing you to read this paragraph. Go, Duke.

ABSOLUTE IRON LOCKS OF THE WEEK

Golfpocalypse is not a gambling advisory service and you should never rely on anything written here. The best options are here.

Career record: 5-42. I only made one pick last week and Hae-Ran Ryu was just one stroke behind eventual winner Rio Takeda. Which means I’m still furious and you should keep remortgaging your house to follow my advice. Also, an anagram for Hae-Ran Ryu is “Listen, Ryan.” I think this is some kind of message to me, but I’m not sure what it is.

The PGA Tour returns to the World Tech Championship in Mexico and I decided to make Duke the theme of the week. For this event it is quite simple because Max GrazermanThe Duke himself is the betting favorite. Last summer I saw this guy completely screw up the Wyndham Championship with a somewhat unlucky but still terrible quad on 14, but he carried himself like a champ and continued to play well, including a T-2 at Zozo two weeks ago. I’m ready. Go hunt Flagg, Max.

As for the DP World Tour, they are in Abu Dhabi and since I started late this week, I already know the results of the first round. LOVE when this happens. And it just so happens that the team’s leader has the same name as the guy who everyone thought would be Duke’s next head coach after Coach K, but who was eliminated because of Jon Scheyer: Tommy Amaker. So, as cowardly and cheap as it may be, you better believe I agree with it. Tommy Fleetwood.

The LPGA is in Hawaii, where for some reason they started on Wednesday, and there are currently two Dukes tied for tenth place – Gina Kim and Yu Liu. None of them are in the top 100, so unlike my cowardly choice of Fleetwood above, either one represents an act of true courage on my part and should be rewarded with a ticker tape parade outside Cameron Indoor Stadium. I’ll go with Kim.

And who will I go with on the Champions Tour for the Charles Schwab Cup? Oh you better believe it Ken Duke.

Finally at LIV Golf Durham I take Duke Dukeson.

“DUMB DUMB, I BELIEVE”

There should be a 72-man tournament where they eliminate one guy after each hole until there is only one champion left. Sure, it would take forever on the first hole with all 72 people playing and then breaking ties, etc., and the logistics throughout would be terrible, but imagine the drama when the field narrows. I think it will only take us a month to organize something like this. The first tour between the PGA and LIV to do so has my undying devotion.

READERS’ STORY OF THE WEEK

Here’s Jamie with a huge list of his pet peeves:

1. The guy on the 3rd hole STILL doesn’t have a ball marker in his pocket.
2. DO NOT talk to my ball.
3. The guy walks towards the drinks cart before emptying it out.
4. Empty water coolers
5. Spit out the seed shells as you go.
6. The guy who doesn’t watch his ball off the tee…usually a big miss…then has no idea where he might have ended up.
7. Game lessons are held in front of my group while we wait.
8. Rangers who just ride around all day doing nothing, instead of moving slowly, moving faster.
9. Bad areas without grass that last the entire season without repair.
10. Guys without health insurance who negotiate how many shots they “deserve.”
11. Guys who don’t watch the whole group tee off because they only care about their ball. It’s even worse when they ask, “Did anyone see this?” after THEY hit

I was 100% guilty of episodes 1, 2, 6 and 11 and I am truly ashamed. However, Jamie is absolutely right about useless marshalsand anyone who spits sunflower seeds on the green stuff should be sent straight to the firing squad.

Previously on Golfpocalypse:

If you talk about politics during the course, please, for God’s sake, stop.
Loving golf in 2024 means finding something where there is no money
I believed in the magic of Tiger Woods when I was a kid, but now I’m a cynic
If you can enjoy playing golf alone, you have reached nirvana.
I had 12 stitches in my head for golf before I even started liking it.
The annual Friends Ryder Cup trip is golf’s greatest event.
Marshals at public golf courses need to get tougher
I and only I have a brilliant trick that will help fix the Tournament.
You can’t have fun playing golf when you’re terribly bad.
Confession: I break clubs when I’m angry
Playing golf in bad weather makes me feel alive
Caring about what other people think about your golf game irritates other people.
I feel for Rory because choking sucks.