Ask Eric: Siblings disagree about mom going to nursing home

Dear Eric: I am one of four siblings. I live close to but not with my 102-year-old mother, and my siblings live far away.

Over the past 12 years I have gradually taken over most of her care, even though she is usually her own decision maker and financially secure. She depends on me for cooking, shopping, meetings and company.

After some thought, she decided she would be safer and happier living in assisted living. She is naturally sad to leave her home of many years. I support her decision to move because she really needs more care and more stimulation.

My siblings visit her three to four times a year and are not constantly involved in her care. They are trying to figure out how she can stay in her own home.

All the options they suggested require a lot of work for me and my mother. She doesn’t want anyone living with her, and I don’t want to hire, fire, train and supervise multiple caregivers. Their options assume that I will always be here to take care of her.

My siblings are coming to visit soon and want to discuss how to keep my mom in her own home. I’m afraid they’ll convince her not to move. I need to tell them that if some or all of them don’t move here, she needs to move to a nursing home. I love my mom and I know my brothers and sisters do too. I don’t think they understand how much help she needs. How do I tell them I can’t do this anymore without making my mom feel guilty about how much I do for her?

– Tired daughter

Dear daughter: It sounds like your mother made a conscious decision that was not easy, but one that will help her continue to have a good quality of life and maintain her autonomy. So, while your sibling’s contribution may be good, they are silently saying that neither you nor your mother knows what is best for her. And that’s not true.

Talk only to your siblings before their visit to emphasize that your mother is capable of making her own decisions and they should respect that. Also, emphasize to them that you don’t think they know what everyday care looks like. Be very firm and clear about those parts of their ideas that are not feasible or require too much of you. There is no need for discussion. Your mom knows what she wants.

Pointing out gaps in their thinking without your mom can help them understand better without making your mom feel guilty.

If they still insist on meeting, support your mom by speaking up and considering your options. You have built a relationship with her in which she retains her authority and you seem to be able to honestly express your views and opinions. This is where it will really help.