‘Wounding Disappointment’: Why Kamala Harris’ Defeat Hurts Women So Deeply

On a recent weekend in October, I was at a museum in Manhattan when I noticed a sticky note taped to the counter in the women’s restroom. “Woman to woman,” it read: “Remember, your voice is private. Harris/Waltz!” This message was encouraging, but it made my heart sink. Never in my life have I experienced an election campaign in which this needed to be shared.

But with devastating consequences Trump wins the next presidential electionWe find ourselves in a reality marked by so much fear and intimidation that it is no wonder women are exchanging secret messages in the few private spaces we have left.

And a threat – to use Donald Trump’s favorite word.”retribution“… hangs so heavily over us that we can only prepare for what will happen after November 5 or January 20,”whether women like it or not” We women were robbed of what could have been an important campaign and a historic victory.

We have normalized strange for so long that it seems impossible to imagine that it shouldn’t have been this way. Just a few election cycles ago, political debates had losers who gave in and voters who didn’t. storm the Capitol and representatives who did not try to overturn the election.

In an alternate reality, Harris might face a Republican opponent who doesn’t question her race and regularly mispronounces his name. Perhaps she would not allow leading experts to accuse her of being “Rent DEI” or sleep on the way to the top. The fact that she has no biological children may not have been weaponized. a reproach for her “humility.” And her opponent’s former aide wouldn’t joke about repealing the 19th Amendment.

But at this stage, civil discourse has become useless, and the presidential candidate can share rude jokes about his opponent with almost no blip in the news cycle. A candidate who has was also convicted of serious crimeswhich was found liable by a civil jury for sexual assault. Meanwhile, once-reputable newspapers, now run by billionaires, have refused to support a competent and consistent woman for president.

Hey guys, because I think the last eight years women’s marches And #Me too didn’t make it clear – how do you think this made women feel? Women of color? Women who are sexually harassed and sexually assaulted? What do you think is the lesson we learned here about our value in our own country?

Last week I asked some women to reflect on these issues and this campaign.

“Throughout my family’s history, people in my family would get to the point where white male society would say, ‘OK, this is far enough,’” my friend says. Celeste Headley– the author of the book “We Need to Talk” told me. “Most women, but every woman of color, have been underestimated in intelligence, called angry, aggressive, intimidating. I lost two jobs and was specifically told it was because I was an ‘angry’ person.'”

“Watching Kamala Harris run for president is like watching all the disappointments and heartaches of your life play out in real time, only this time the stakes aren’t that I’ll lose my job.” – Hadley noted. “Rates – loss of democracy, loss of all reproductive rightslosing bodily autonomy in a way that has not happened to women of color since the end of the Civil War.”

Journalist and workplace equality expert Farai Chideya I considered this point in a similar way. “When you look at this race, you cannot underestimate the impact of misogyny,” she said.

“There are many different ways in which Kamala Harris is seen as less viable because of her gender and the combination of her gender and race. She deals not only with sexism, but with sexism specifically. misogyny”

For the sake of my daughters and their generation, I try to remain positive even as I grieve that they have fewer reproductive rights today than I did at their age. I can acknowledge the successes we have achieved despite and because of stunning setbacks. Would we have #MeToo without the suffering caused by Hillary Clinton’s defeat in 2016? If only we had one now record number of women in Congress? Damn if we had “Barbie”?

“When it comes to social justice, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle.” Lilia Burana, author of the book “Grace for Lovers”“Gen Alpha women and girls are realizing systemic misogyny, queer issues, their worth in a way that would be literally unthinkable for me as a Gen X girl. Once you turn over a stone and people see these systems of oppression, you can’t unsee them.” ”

There is no denying that the past few years have been a cataclysmic era of significant advances in gender equality. They were also undoubtedly an impressive bummer on a macro and micro scale.

The understanding Burana speaks of is painfully omnidirectional, and we also can never forget what we now know about some of the people closest to us—or the agenda they are willing to support. Toxicity and polarization have Broken friendships and divided familieson a deeply wounding level.

“I just don’t know if the (election) result will change the mood in the community,” said comedian and writer Michaela Fagan. “It starts to feel like you don’t know who to trust.”

I remember the last time I spoke with a specific family member, I was told firmly that we could “agree to disagree.” I can agree to disagree on many issues: tax rates, arts funding, even nuances and restrictions gun control. I cannot agree with the opinion of the side that is not against sexual assault in the Oval Office. I cannot agree with the destruction of women’s health and privacy.

I can’t help but agree with the doctors’ opinion refusal of medical care for ectopic pregnancyand women, being arrested for miscarriages. Have you ever had a miscarriage? I have. It is physically and emotionally devastating without the fear that you and your doctor may be questioned, tested, punished, that your life may be at risk because of the way it is handled. And we can lay all this suffering at the feet of the pathetic skeleton of what once was the Republican Party.

Now that many of us know exactly which people in our lives aren’t bothered by punitive reactions against our gender, how many of them might ever be proven right again? How can we stay calm on Thanksgiving when there are people on the other side of the table who are completely supportive? the dystopian future of Project 2025? Patriarchy does count on women to provide comfort and unhindered conditions, and it especially counts on this under its own roof.

Of course there is Dudes for Kamala And MAGA womenbut gender power dynamics are unique. Soraya Chemaliauthor of the appropriately titled Rage Becomes Her, pointed out to me that other forms of oppression, such as racism and homophobia, are based on marginalization. But misogyny goes to the heart of the home and family. She called it “the most intimate inequality.” That’s what makes it so disturbing and so dangerous.

“Most families are of the same race, ethnicity and religion, so the pressure point in those families will be gender,” she said.

The complacent political sexism of those around us has become a wounding disappointment. But for other women, the resentment towards our gender is much more obvious.

United States significantly ahead of similar countries in terms of maternal mortality. The leading cause of death among pregnant Americans, more common than hypertensive disorders, hemorrhage, or sepsis. murder. So don’t talk to me about how dangerous are immigrantshow valuable are mothers when the party that claims to want to make America great again is so conspicuously silent on intimate partner violence. And the threat of post-election retaliation, both public and private, is real enough to give us all pause.

“I feel very strongly that it will be bad either way, and it will be bad in different ways,” Chemali said. “Frankly, women, especially poor, black and brown women, will suffer the consequences of either the entrenched consolidation of male supremacist power or the backlash against the idea that the ‘women’s’ party has won.”

“Maybe it’s a choice between having fast sex or slow sex over time,” she said. “In my opinion, you’re a f**k anyway.”

I can’t convince anyone of anything. I can simply express what I know many women have felt: the exhausted sadness that any ounce of joy there was in this election season has been sucked out by a vindictive, garrulous old man and his whiny minions.

“Ten years ago we would have said: “Yes!” Fagan said. “Everyone would support it.” Instead, we pass notes in toilets. We carefully use not only our voices, but also our stealth.

A note left in a New York City bathroom stall in late October 2024. (Photo courtesy of Mary Elizabeth Williams)

“I feel like we’re in the middle of a global movement of women’s refusal,” Chemali remarked. “We don’t call it a protest because it’s not a typical protest led by a charismatic leader on the streets. Women are calmly emerging from heteropatriarchy.”

Patriarchy wants us to be afraid. And good job, patriarchy, because I’m sure! But more than I’m afraid, I’m angry. And I’m more than angry, I’m determined. The next few years will be terrible and upsetting for women in many ways. It will also undoubtedly be good for others.

“Patriarchy is not going to go away quietly, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to go away,” Burana said.

In the meantime—at least for now—our voting is private.