I’m an only child – that’s what I wish my parents would have taken into account

I don’t remember when it first became obvious that I was going to become only childbut I remember the day when I decided to do something about it. It was 2003, I was eight years old, and I had just been banned from playing “Crazy Frog” out loud for the foreseeable future.

Although I didn’t know much about reproductive biology, I knew that a biological sibling was out of the question. Both my parents came from large families and had an impressive 12 siblings. However, after a 15-year fertility struggle, including a failed IVF attempt and pregnancy-related liver failure, the risk of going to the second stage was explained and vetoed.

However, having grown up on a literary diet of Jacqueline Wilson, I knew that all the possibilities of having more children had not yet been exhausted. My plan involved an unattended drive to the family computer, where I found a promising website. I entered my parents’ ages and waited.

When I told my parents that they had the right to adopt a 10-year-old child, a week later they calmed me down by buying a pet. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always wanted a cat, but when we chose Tilly with her yellow eyes and slightly oily black and white fur, I couldn’t help but feel a little cheated. Was it a strange sticky cat? Was I really meant to be “lonely” child forever?

According to the Office for National Statistics, the number of one-child families is increasing. This is undoubtedly due to the effects of the cost of living crisis: in 2023, 45 percent of families had only one child, up from 44 percent in 2022. In many ways, it’s easy to see why.

It’s clear why, from the cost of childcare (the UK government recently admitted it may struggle to provide 30 extra free hours by September 2025) to the explosion of truth about the reality of motherhood on social media. large families may go out of fashion.

But what do you gain or lose by stopping at just one? Is it fair, selfish or even cruel? There are many reasons to make this choice, but as an only child who until recently thought he would follow the same path as his parents, here’s what I wish they knew as they look back and know what lies ahead. .

Only children are often saddled with many negative stereotypes, so much so that it has earned the label “only child syndrome”, in which we are labeled as spoiled, inflexible, shy, unable to share – the list goes on. While I can’t speak for every single child, I know some of this is true.

I can admit that I was spoiled and stubborn. I would go to great lengths to get my way. When I was denied a climbing frame as a child, I tried to build one out of bricks and a cement mixture made from flour and water. When I couldn’t sleep at night, I would take the mini microphone from my kid’s karaoke machine and fake cry into it until someone came to check on me. Would I be like this if I had brothers and sisters? Who knows.

Another stereotype is that only child leads a lonely existence and can lead to psychological problems later in life.

I never felt lonely as a child, but some moments tell a different story. One of my earliest memories is my first school photo day, when other kids were invited to take photos with their siblings and I was left in a nearly empty classroom.

When friends came over to play, home time could easily turn into a low-risk hostage situation. The game “Your parents are here, let’s lock ourselves in the bathroom” has become a favorite.

I also often felt like an outsider, an island in a sea of ​​normality. I hated being teased, mainly because I had never experienced it. I spoke and acted beyond my years and probably talked to myself more than to anyone else. Only children tend to develop fierce independence and vivid imaginations, but feeling different is not unusual.

This is confirmed by Sheri Jacobson, founder Harley Therapywho says that he is often driven only by childhood desire for brother or sister. “Probably because we’re social creatures and it’s natural to want to be in similar company,” she says. She even attributes it to an evolutionary basis. “Because having many children was the norm in our prehistoric past.” Being an only child isn’t a prison sentence, but it can involve a lot of loneliness and adult conversations.

However, from a scientific point of view, we are not as strange as everyone thinks. According to the Center for Longitudinal Research, only children are no different from their peers with brothers and sisters in character and sociability. Sure, I had not one but three imaginary friends, but I was never able to find or keep real friends.

The report also notes that cognitive development in children under 11 years of age is much more dependent on their condition parental relationships and socioeconomic status. What’s more, raising one child can put less pressure on the family, which has its benefits.

This is something Jacobson alludes to from his career as a therapist. “Oftentimes, having only one child can be less mentally demanding. The attention doesn’t have to be divided, and it can lead to a deeper relationship with that one child,” she says. This can be a double-edged sword, as close relationships can lead to overinvolvement or high expectations, but this has not been my experience.

With no one to share parenting time or budget with, more time, energy, and resources became available. I was told an original bedtime story almost every night, I never had to share a room, and trips to the toy store could be productive. It was nice to have their undivided attention and never feel pressured by anyone else’s achievements. Are only children Are they spoiled or are they simply benefiting from a larger piece of the pie?

Reducing stigma is important because having one child is not always a choice. In particular, given the declining birth rate among men (Fertility Index research shows that men under 34 are almost three times more likely to have trouble conceiving than men over 55), more couples may become forced members of the club in the future one child. .

For me, the real problem with being an only child is not the childhood itself. We are talking about the inevitable passage of time.

The older my parents get, the more I realize that one day taking care of them will be my only responsibility. In the coming decades, we will have to make difficult decisions without having another person to lean on. Moreover, when they leave, I will have none of my immediate family left.

“Many only children do feel a greater sense of emptiness when their parents die,” Jacobson says. I often worry that when the time comes, I will have to stand up and give the eulogy alone.

And while I recognize that there are absent siblings, separated siblings, and everything in between, I think the grief of losing a parent can be eased by knowing that there is someone else who shares your formative story. So while I’ve always been the only kid on the team, I now wonder if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

If you think this is for you, I suggest embracing the quirks and taking advantage. We live in a changing, stressful world: I think it is fair to dedicate our funds to the development and future of one child. Just buy them a pet and don’t be offended if they go to therapy. As for the old joke about inheritance? Well, when you’re gone, that’s the one thing they’ll never have to share.